Future bald woman?

It's come to my notice recently that I have an obsession with wigs and head-dresses. I'm not sure if this is an indication that some day I will be bald, or what. Fortunately, even though I can't resist buying them, I don't seem to actually spend a lot of time wearing them. I submit for your judgement the fruits of my compulsive purchases (and I do mean compulsive, not impulsive) -

Going counterclockwise:

~Hannah Montana wig -- purchased for Katie Kearl's 16th bday, and quickly destroyed by a carelessly used slinky. Remember, only *you* can prevent slinky accidents!

~Random Halloween wig -- purchased when I was a witch for a party and then forced onto Matthew Kearl's head for my own amusement along with red lipstick

~Cleopatra head-dress -- actually not purchased by me, but rather *for* me

~Dazzling tiara -- also purchased for Katie's sweet 16 and not-so-subtly coveted by me (spaaarkly!)

~Middle-eastern head-dress? I don't remember where that came from, but I look pretty good (and don't ask me why I always purse my lips - it's a mystery)

~Orange wig -- purchased as a potential Halloween wig but co-opted by David Kearl's friends, and frankly enjoyed by them waaaaay too much

~Green wig -- purchased because it was too cute and made even cuter by Rachel Kearl for some sort of costumed race

Sigh

Have you ever waited with ridiculous amounts of hyper anticipation for a movie, only to leave feeling slightly cheated? Have you ever done that twice? 'Cause I'm totally there, man. Yesterday my bro-ster and I celebrated Memorial Day by watching Terminator: Salvation, and I’m sad to report after the Star Trek fiasco, Terminator was on the same level of let-down.
I've been way into the Terminator series lately, ever since I was temporarily a writer for that website whose name I can't recall and I covered the show Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles as a television critic. Well, let me clarify; I haven't been “way into” the series in the way that some of these lunatics - I mean fans - are, where they obsessively follow each storyline and argue endlessly over time travel, whether The Matrix is a rip-off, terminator robot models, and which John Connor is the hottest (surprisingly, not Christian Bale). I reserve that kind of crazy for more worthwhile things, like Star Trek and Robert Jordan books.


Instead, I’ve been intrigued by the idea of machines developing independent intelligence and trying to kill humans, especially since I’m pretty sure that my car wants to kill me. I also like getting in on cult classics. Finally, I’m extremely intrigued by Christian Bale. Put all these together, add a brain that’s very easily impressed by commercials with lots of explosions, and VOILA! a movie that Susan wants to watch!


Sadly, this movie did not live up to my high high expectations. Firstly, after Christian Bale’s little tantrum, all the promotions about him being the big star, and the fact that he sorta rewrote the script and then spent hours “helping” to edit the film; I expected him to be on the screen the entire time giving the performance of his life. Imagine my disappointment that he was only like the 3rd most important character. BOO! Also, for some reason he was given a very strange and distracting mole on his nose. DOUBLE BOO!

Secondly, the storyline was way weird. It didn’t make a lot of sense and was vague and mysterious in many ways. It seemed to me like they just wanted focus on lots of action, rather than wasting time on a plot. I would go more into this, but the details of the plot are so unimportant that even in a day's time I'm not really sure what they were anymore. Maybe I dreamed the whole thing?

Thirdly, it had maybe the creepiest line I’ve ever heard, as the main character kisses a bald and dying Helena Bonham-Carter and says, “Now I know what death tastes like.” EW! Ew in all ways imaginable! Bald Helena? Death taste? WHAT?
So my final score: B- maybe. I mean it did have some really sweet action scenes, a CG version of Ahnold, and it looked great. Plus I’m a softie and I don’t like to give scores below B. If you watch it, you should do a matinee so you aren’t really really angry at the amount of money you spend; and go in prepared to turn your brain off, enjoy the explosions, and not worry too much about plot. Oh, and (since this is one of my key criteria of any movie) enjoy the attractive men!

Nerd: Disgruntled

Okay, so I posted before about how my inner nerd was screaming and jumping around in my head, her excitement over the upcoming Star Trek movie barely contained by my own sense of normalcy and shame over being a closet geek. Now the time has finally come for me to report on the movie itself.

IT ROCKED! IT SUCKED! I loved and hated it! How, you ask, can someone with only one known personality (there may be a few extra ones in there, but I've never met them) have such diverse and extreme reactions to the same movie? Let me explain. No, there is too much; let me sum up. I blame my heritage:

The romantic Frenchwoman in me sought a hot man to gawk at - check!

The dry British humorist in me was looking for laughs and giggles - check!

The Nordic viking princess in me lusts after violence and action - double check!

So really, all my quotas would have been met in this movie if it weren't for that stupid closet geek. I'm not sure where she comes from nationality-wise, but she's been lurking in me since (at my earliest memory) age six when I first settled on Captain James T. Kirk as my future husband. Having loved and obsessed over a story line since as far back as I've been watching TV, I've amassed a vast and ridiculous store of useless Star Trek knowledge. Really, the movie was doomed from the first few minutes as far as she's concerned.

But upon reflection, it wasn't so much that the movie failed the Star Trek trivia test. I mean, the red shirt died in like 3 seconds (gotta be a record), Kirk made out with a green-skinned girl, Spock did the nerve pinch... they had all the little details spot on. They even paid tribute to one of the less popular shows, Enterprise, by showing the uniforms that cast used in the beginning of the movie.

It was more the way Abrams and the other people who made the film thumbed their noses at a 40 year sci-fi empire with a plethora of stories and characters that we nerds have come to know and love by changing the time line and obliterating all the stories the other movies/shows followed. The movie said to me, "Hey I'm so great that I invalidate the existence of all other Star Trek fiction! Suck on that!" which kinda irked me. I don't like jerks like that. Also, I *hate* time travel crap with all my heart.

So my final assessment of the movie would have to be -- all you Trekkies (or Trekkers, if you prefer that, even though "Trekker" sounds stupid) might want to stay away from this. Or try and forget everything you knew and loved about the Star Trek universe before you go and see it, because JJ Abrams sure did. For the rest of you who just like to see pretty people, pretty lights, and lots of exciting lasers this movie is teh bomb!

Hell

After spending hours raking through mulch to pull out unwanted individual blades of grass, and picking decorative lava rocks out of a flower bed, I now know what Hell has in store for sinners.

Important lessons

While watching movies lately (something I rarely do, being the intellectually superior girl I am), I've noticed a few trends that flow through the genre of scary movies. It seems to me that with a little more public awareness, a plethora of lives could be saved. If only someone had taught the people who so tragically and unnecessarily die in these movies a few simple survival tactics, we'd all go home after just 10 minutes and not have to sleep with the nightlight on.


So without further ado, here are the top ten tips (nice alliteration there, eh?) I've learned from watching scary movies:


10) Don't stop to look back over your shoulder. I mean, really? Does this have to be said? Are there people out there who are still dumb enough to look back? I guess there are, since people are always dying in the movies after stopping to look back. WELL DON'T! Not only will the bad guy *not* have disappeared, but looking back will inevitably cause you to trip and fall into some sort of conveniently placed (for the killer/monster, anyway) hole or broken floorboard, and then you will definitely be dead. Anyway, as ugly as these monsters usually are, it's better to avoid looking at them as much as possible. Eyes forward!

9) When you hear a scary noise, never ever get your bat or golf club or hairbrush and go investigate. You will die! The bad guy/monster is going to have a gun/chainsaw/killer claws, and your sad little bat will be useless! Don't even send your husband/roommate/non-essential-to-the-plot character to do it instead. They aren't somehow more capable of facing down the beast than you are (believe me, I'm always the one sent and I'm a wimp). All that will happen is you will have to see or hear them die, and then won't you feel bad?



8) If, for some unforseeable reason, you do have to investigate, don't go alone. Don't do it. It will always end badly. Safety in numbers! At least in a large group you have someone to trip so that the monster will go for them while you escape.



7) Talking dolls are always evil. Always. There are no exceptions - not Teddy Ruxpin, not Hannah Montana, NONE. Do not buy them, do not be alone with them at night, and don't ever give them to your children.


6) If you find that your house was built over an unconsecrated burial ground, just move. Don't warn the prospective buyers, don't bother with scientists or mediums, just get the heck out. I mean come on, do you really want the trees in your yard coming to life and trying to kill you? GET OUT!



5) If you hear a sound underneath some piece of furniture that's dark and mysterious, why the hell would you put your hand in there to investigate? At best it's a mouse (shudder), but more likely it's some sort of demon or alien and it will bite your hand off. I mean, is it worth having to learn to write left-handed just to satisfy your curiosity? Really?

4) When you've killed the monster/psycho killer, don't stop to look at the body and say, "It's finally over." It's not over. Run away, run far away. Go to your neighbor's house and call the cops, or to consecrated grounds or whatever. I mean really. If you can't bring yourself to go away, at least kick the knife/gun away from the killer's hand (if it's a monster you're SOL there) and drop a couch on them, because otherwise they will suddenly leap forward and try to get you one last time. Sometimes you're lucky and the friend you thought was dead will conveniently show up with a gun to shoot the beast, but more often than not the rest of us will be holding a memorial for you since there was no body to be buried.


3) Radio contests suck. You will never ever win a fabulous all-expense paid trip to a remote unheard of island for you and all your friends, so if you *do* win one; it's a trap. DON'T GO, for the love of goodness!


2) If you run someone or something over with your car, call 911. Don't try to dump the body in the ocean! If it doesn't come back to kill you, certainly the guys from the CSI shows are gonna link it back to you anyway. Might as well just face the consequences, and maybe that way all the people in the car won't be slaughtered one by one.



1) The final important lesson: if someone is screaming at you not to open a door or not to touch some mysterious artefact, JUST DON'T. What is with you people and curiosity? Is it worth seeing who's at the door at the expense of your life? Jeez!


So, with these important lessons in mind, we will all live longer and happier lives. Sure, maybe we'll have to be curious and never know what it was under the couch or who it was scratching at the door with their hook-hand, but all our limbs will be intact and we won't be the one who people are watching and at whom they are screaming, "YOU MORON! YOU DESERVE TO DIE!!"