I hate to do it but...

Guys, I have to post about my newest foray into the fabulous films of 2009. I'm sad to say that 2009 is a terrible year for action flicks. For those of you who were gleefully anticipating another jaunt into the realms of childhood through Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, turn away now. For the rest, BE YE WARNED! This movie was like, as my brother David so aptly put it, having Michael Bay and his cronies pee on the audience for 2 hours. Sorry to be crude, but there's really no other way to put it.

The main problem here is that I brought it entirely on myself. Ebert warned me, but did I listen? Oh, my bro-ster and I sat at the dinner table trying to convince our parents to join us, laughing at the poor reviews and smugly stating that there was no way to be disappointed in a movie that you held no expectations for. THIS WAS FALSE! I did expect! I expected to have a semblance of plot, some attempt at continuity and attention to detail, and I expected not to be bored silly by lots of exploding stuff. Who would have thought that *moi* could ever be bored by explosions??! Somehow Transformers did it.

I would go into detail about the ways the movie patronized its viewers; in fact I was so bored during the two and a half hours of redikalous non-plot that I mentally wrote several posts about exactly what went wrong. But I will refrain from blabbing on about the lack of geographical accuracy (at one point a robot falls from a pyramid in Cairo to a temple in Luxor - 313 miles away), Megan Fox’s magic white pants that kept self-cleaning despite all the desert sand she rolled around in, or the way the narrative constantly jumped from point A to point Z without touching on a single point in between; that could get even lengthier and more boring that the film itself. Instead, I think I can better sum up the problem with the film in one statement: apparently Michael Bay feels that all you need for a good summer flick is Shia LaBeouf’s giant eyes and even bigger nostrils, Megan Fox’s hot body (beauty is such a trial for her), and lots of explodey stuff.

In closing I will simply save you $8.50 and summarize the movie now:

Robots fight robots, stuff explodes.

Shia LaBeouf packs for college, stuff explodes.

Bad robots travel through space to distant galaxies in mere seconds, stuff explodes.

Shia makes new friends at college, some of whom are bad robots pretending to be hot girls; stuff explodes.

Robots fight robots again, stuff explodes.

Bad robots, good robots, and humans all race to Egypt to get some random machinery that’s apparently been hidden inside the pyramids this whole time, as well as magic robot fairy dust; stuff explodes.

Stuff explodes.
Stuff explodes.
Stuff explodes.

Stuff explodes.

More stuff explodes.

The good guys win, stuff explodes.

The end.