Zombie Apocalypse keeping me up at night

Lately I've become increasingly concerned about a pending zombie doom. I'm not sure if it's because of the recent flood of movies, books, articles, comics, etc. all about zombies; or if I deep down in some ancient and primal part of my soul I sense that it's inevitable. After all, even the Bible talks about the undead (or "differently alive," if you're being politically correct). True, the Bible also includes The Song of Solomon, arguably the giggliest and funniest book of scripture ever, but I’m pretty sure the zombie part is for reals.

This is doctrinal, guys.

Most upsetting about this obsession with zombies are the torturous dreams I've had about trying to survive in a post-zombie-apocalyptic world. It got to be too much, watching all my dream loved-ones either get turned or eaten. Never mind that upon waking I realized none of my actual friends and family were portrayed in my dream (obviously I just love them too much to think of them that way; that, or my subconscious has an outside casting director and my real friends and family didn't make the cut), it was still horribly depressing and what's more, my dream self is always woefully unprepared for the attack. So it's clear to me that this is a warning from a higher power that I need to get in gear and get a plan - a good one - for when the zombies come.

My childhood home had the perfect setup. Conveniently located in a basement room where we kept our dried goods, candles, matches, water, etc. in case of emergencies was some sort of giant cement alcove with a small opening. While I always imagined that there might actually be bodies in that opening (seriously, what else was it for??), it would also be the perfect place to hide my body until the zombies got hungry and went looking for something else to eat. There was food, light, and a few impenetrable feet of concrete. But my family moved to Idaho, and our new basement has no such impenetrable fortress. Even worse, there’s a sliding glass door! I ask you, how will that keep zombies out? I’m surprised that my parents didn’t take that into account when they bought the house.

Oh hey, we *love* that movie! Can we just come in and watch with you?

So now my plan has been forced to change. After reading this brilliant article about how much everyone else’s awesome plans suck, I’ve carefully thought out multiple different scenarios and then one by one rejected them all:

• After my folks’ basement, WalMart seemed the next best thing. But again there’s the glass door problem and also I’m sure that’s going to be a lot of people’s plan. While having lots of people around when the zombies come is good for tripping others and running while the zombies get them (also good in dinosaur attacks), it’s not so good for making the food last. Also, all of those people would just have the potential to suddenly become the enemy, and this enemy multiplies like crazy.
• I could try to find some ancient monastery or convent somewhere. After all, they’re usually isolated, they tend to have a food storage of some sort, lots of books to read, and maybe a really good garden out back. But here’s the problem: already populated with either nuns or monks – possibly *zombie* nuns or monks. Also, those are usually only found in Europe.
• I secretly buy dozens of guns, lots and lots of ammo, and a motorcycle. I become the badass superheroine from the movies, strap all the guns on, and always keep riding. The problem with this is funding. I have no such money for guns, ammo, or bikes. And where would I get gasoline when the zombies have eaten all the gas station attendants? Too bad I'm outta gas, cause I look totally awesome.

So finally, I came up with the only realistic solution: I just give in, find the least aggressive zombie and allow it to bite me so that I become one of them. After all, there are going to be billions – what’s the point in hiding? It’s not like they can’t outwait me since they're dead and have nothing better to do. I’ve already tried out the look, and it’s not too bad. I think I could pull it off. But just know: I’ll be coming for your brains first.

Sometimes I wish I was a guy

Because I just can't see a bunch of girls spending time on something like this:


but it seems like it would be so incredibly fun.

Come into my parlor...

I used to be a peaceful person. I used to try and embody the idea of "all God's creatures got a place in the choir" and "do unto others..." etc. by being kind to all living things, even ants and slugs. Then one day all that changed.


My parents moved to the edge of the wilderness, or at least the edge of a gully that leads to wilderness somewhere. While this means some really sweet vistas, it also means that a doggy door might be a stupid idea (oh hello Mr. Coyote!), and that we get tons more bugs. At first, I was inclined to reluctantly welcome the one or two spiders I started finding. I mean, yes they were disgustingly, fear-inducingly HUGE,
Think this but bigger. And maybe less whiny.


but they showed up around the same time that like a zillion flies moved in. I figured that all spiders do is be incredibly creepy, whereas flies poop in my food and laugh while they do it; and since spiders kill the flies they're an improvement right? Oh how wrong I was. SO WRONG!

It turns out that there weren’t one or two spiders, and they weren’t the plain old wolf spiders I knew from my childhood home of KY. These were in fact dozens of hobo spiders (note: not the satchel carrying, rail riding type of hobo my sister Rachel pictures), and here are some little facts – or at least soundly believed ideas – about hobo spiders:

• They came into my house, not to build a tiny campfire and cook tins of beans, but to do the nasty. Yes, it’s mating season, and nothing puts them in the mood more than hiding out in cozy basements and terrorizing innocent girls who climb on chairs screaming, while uncaring brothers laugh raucously from the upstairs.
  




• All hardware stores and aisles that contain insecticides stock up on sticky traps, because hobo spiders can hold their breath, thus rendering normal spray useless against their super powers. Also, I totally got stuck in a sticky trap and it took me like five minutes to get free. Those are no laughing matter!
  




• They are extremely aggressive and will chase people rather than run away. And yes, logic would point out that humans are a thousand times bigger, but click here at your own risk (these are really gross) to see the possible results of a hobo spider bite. Also, they have eight legs. EIGHT LEGS!! We've all seen Arachnaphobia. I'm not sure which of these two is scarier.

Upon learning all of these facts (or widely held beliefs that I’m not prepared to question) we decided that flies or no, the spiders had to go. We first attempted just to suck them up with the vacuum hose, but while the thunking sounds they made were really satisfying, there were too many of them. So we figured that despite being able to hold their breath (how creepy is that? It implies intelligence high enough to recognize aerosol spray cans!) no spider could withstand a few dozen bug bombs set off all over the house. Take that, suckas!

So, let this be a warning to humans that the hobos are coming, and a warning to spiders: stay out of my house, biotches. We’re afraid to get near enough to squish you, but not afraid to fog your many legged butts.