Can I have it??

All my life I've wanted to be both funny and an actress so that I could do this kind of thing and make people laugh until they wet their pants:



I don't think that's too much to ask. Alas, for all my efforts the most success I've found was in the form of winning "Best Actress" in a ward talent show (humorously made out to Susan Krebs). I'll just have to stick to sharing hilarious videos instead of starring in them. C'est la vie, n'est-ce pas?

Musical musings

1) I don't know why I was so worried about a zombie apocalypse. I realized recently that an old childhood favorite of mine could easily have assuaged all my fears long ago if only I had listened to its message. I am, of course, refering to Zombie Jamboree as sung by Rockapella. According to Rockapella, zombies aren't the brain eating, bloody fingered, staggering monsters that Hollywood would have us fear. Instead they are a musical, rhythmical people who want nothing more than to dance on the Empire State building knocking conga drums and drinking rum. I shouldn't worry about being torn apart, instead I should practice my dance moves so we can get down together. Thanks, Rockapella!

(click here and skip to 2:37 to see old-timey Rockapella in all their mullet-headed, pastel shirt wearing glory)

2) My favorite song of 2009* is by far Say Hey (I Love You) by Michael Franti & Spearhead. It's true that this song loses quite a few point for repeatedly rhyming the word "you" with the daring choice of the word "you." That's why this phrase comes as such a surprise, and more than makes up for points previously lost:

Now I’m not a highly metaphysical man
But I know when the stars are aligned you can
bump into person in the middle of the road
look into their eyes and you suddenly know

From a song whose chorus is "my momma told me don't lose you/cause the best luck I had was you" one hardly expects to find a five syllable word, much less one that's as complex as 'metaphysical,' much less used in a sentence that actually kind of works. So, for the correct usage of that mammoth word, Say Hey (I Love You) wins my prize.

*I couldn't find the actual date this song was introduced to the world, so it could be from 2008. But I first heard it in '09, so that's the year it wins a prize for.

3) I've decided that what my life really needs is a soundtrack. I mean, watching movies and TV shows as much as I do, I have come to appreciate just how vital a soundtrack really is. Can you imagine Jaws or Psycho without the unforgettable music accompanying the contents of the films? Not as affective.

So, clearly in order for my life to be more awesome and memorable I really really need to have music to accompany all my actions, decisions, emotions, etc. Once there's music to go along with every car ride or phone call, my life will be complete. I just have to find an appropriate accompanist, and then I'll be all set.

What dreams may come...

So I know where babies come from (the stork), where donuts come from (heaven), and even where Jell-O comes from (cow hooves). But where do dreams come from? I really need to know this, guys, because mine are starting to trip me out.



For instance, what was up with that dream where Christian Bale needed me to shave his beard? REALLY?? I can't imagine what I was watching that inspired that. I had to make home-made shaving cream and use a straight razor too, like from pioneer days. Seems like a mixture of Sweeny Todd and 3:10 to Yuma.

Except I've never seen one of those movies and it's been a while for the other, so... yeah. And that was one of my more tame dreams!



This is why I need to know where dreams come from: I have a letter of complaint to issue. If Christian Bale *must* appear in my dreams, do I have to be his barber? LAME. This dream couldn't have come from my imagination, because I could think of waaaaay better things to do with Christian Bale.




I was talking about riding a tandem bike, jeez you guys are dirty!

Geeked out

Okay, so I've long been a closet geek. I don't mean to say that there aren't outward signs; I own a shirt from Wales that has a cool Celtic-esque dragon on it, and I did put my hair in little buns when my sister and I went to see one of the Star Wars movies. But I only wear a shirt with a dragon, I don't play Dungeons and Dragons. And I just did little buns (something many girls do every day), I didn't have "lightsaber" fights in the parking lot outside the theater. Mostly, I keep my inner-geek locked tightly away so no one can see that I secretly long to know masses of useless trivia about just how many bathrooms each incarnation of the Starship Enterprise has had, or to become an expert in dragonology. No one will ever know that I didn't cut my hair for four years with the intention of finally wrapping it in real buns and being Princess Leia for Halloween when I was a teenager.

UNTIL NOW.

Now, my inner geek is SO EXCITED about the upcoming Star Trek movie that she can no longer be contained. If I don't reign this in soon, you'll see me trekking around campus in a cape, medieval dress, and elf ears like that one girl I used to mock (but also secretly admire).

New Year's Resolutions. Also, book quotation.

This week's quote comes from what *should* be the official guide to womanhood, Bridget Jones' Diary. It also leads me right into my resolutions for the new year, since I'm picking a quote from BJ's resolutions. I have a feeling this book will lead to many weekly quotes.

I WILL NOT
Waste money on: pasta makers, ice-cream machines or other culinary devices which will never use; books by unreadable literary authors to put impressively on shelves; exotic underwear, since pointless as have no boyfriend.

Sulk about having no boyfriend, but develop inner poise and authority and sense of self as woman of substance, complete without boyfriend, as best way to obtain boyfriend.

There were quite a few more that were actually applicable to my life, but these ones made me laugh and so they were the ones quoted. For those of you (females, that is) who haven't read this book, DO IT. So. Freakin. Hilarious. Best $14 I ever spent on a book (which I then perused, crossing out all the swearwords and writing nicer words in pen so I could lend it to my more virtuous friend. Yes, I defaced and CENSORED a book!). But I'll write more about my BFF Bridget later.

Today is also about resolutions. I've made many over the years, most of them unkept. Oh like you're any better, don't even give me that! This year I'm hoping that making them public (to the three people that actually read this) will make me more accountable. Here goes!!

1. I will get more healthy. It's not enough to eat sporadically and say that that means I'm eating less. I actually need to exercise and eat like a normal person! That will be miraculous since it will be undoing about 15 years of habit, but I know it's possible!
2. I will start reading my scriptures every day again. Right now, I have no clue where they are. But I will find them and get back to the good stuff.
3. I will be nicer. Bridget wrote about how she would stop bitching about people behind their backs and be positive instead. I'm going to try that too. I'm sure daily scripture reading will help!
   
4. I will stop killing plants. It's time to accept that my thumb is not anything like green and stop buying those stupid mini-rose bushes no matter how much I love them (and I really really love them!), because all that happens is they die long, slow, tragic deaths and I'm sad until the next bunch goes on sale at Smith's. End the circle of death!
5. I will be nicer to my family, whom I love. Is that how you use whom?* It's somehow easier to be mean to the people you love because you feel like they can't just leave you, but I will show them how much I love them through kindness and not impatience. (Check most of them out in this awesome Christmas video!)
   
6. * I will learn the proper usage of words like "whom" and "resounding" so that when I use them in my blog, I'm not paranoid and nervous that I'm a grammatically challenged fool, but rather am full of confidence in my Webster's-like prowess (I will also learn the proper usage of "prowess" just in case).
   

I think those are maybe good for now. A few good, solid, achievable goals for the new year. Look out, 2009: HERE'S SUSIE!!!

Mad science part deux

Okay, so where were we? Ah yes, the chickens.

This is where I really start feeling like some insane scientist. Not necessarily a mad genius, just some really really crazy person. First I have to remove the chickens from their plastic bag and drain all the DISGUSTING juice out. Sometimes it splashes my face - yeah. Sick.

Then I have to place them on two white trays; sometimes six to a tray, occasionally seven. Once there were three extras (but two were mini-chickens who apparently didn't eat their spinach). As I lay them out, and pull out any feathers missed by whatever dreadful place plucks them to begin with, I can't help but feel sorry for the poor dead frozen birds. What a horribly ignominious end to a sad and cloistered little life. How horribly undignified to be killed, plucked, frozen, and then laid out for the next step;

Rubbin' in the good stuff. That's right, those mouth watering herbs and spices that make the chickens soooo good. I have to liberally pour mysterious packets of what could be addictive chemicals used to bring customers back, for all I know. After I pour I have to massage the powders in for optimal flavor absorption, but it feels almost perverse in a creepy necromantic way.

I end the process by cruelly binding their poor feetless legs together with sharp pointy rings (like some Opus Dei fanatic), and I almost feel like I should be shouting for Igor to conduct the electricity or whatever.

Finally after all my hard work, they're all ready to be roasted and et up - yum yum! And I have decided two things: 1) It's too much work being a mad scientist, and 2) Just cremate me. There's no way I want to be stretched on a slab cold, dead and scrubbed while some mortician rubs powders on my scrawny naked body NO SIREE!

So there you have it. Take one part frozen chicken, one part long hours in a walk-in fridge, and one part Susan's crazy imagination and you get a mad Deli scientist preparing monster chickens to take over the world. Or something!

Mad science

I currently work at Walmart in the deli. This isn't the most menial job I've had, but it is the most menial in about 10 years. I got used to working for doctors, or for an insurance company - things that "grown-ups" do (as opposed to teenagers with no experience). But check this out: it's the highest paying job I've ever had! Take that, doctors' offices!

Anyhoo, one of the tasks that I HATE THE MOST is prepping the chickens for the rotiserie. You know the ones I mean, those mouth watering little roasters in plastic containers that get sold like 5 seconds after they're done cooking... mmmmm. Well I'm the one that gets them ready, and every time I do it's like stepping into a Boris Karloff flick.

First: I must ready myself. I put on a white apron, white lab coat, another white apron (this time plastic), at least two pairs of white latex surgeon-type gloves, and a white hairnet that looks like crazy old man hair.

Second: I prepare the "operating table;" a metal counter with three deep sinks, a scary scary garbage disposal (or torture device??), a tap and sprayer, and lots of miscellanious tubes sticking out. To prepare this surface I have to spray everything with heavy duty soap, scrub it off and spray with water, and then spray it all with a sanitizer so it's sterile. Just like ER!

Third: I get the victims - I mean chickens.

Now this post is too long. I'll have to leave you biting your nails in anticipation and finish tomorrow. G'night!

Costumes!

I love Halloween. My only sigh-worthy moment this time of year is that no kids come trick-or-treating around here, and my friends aren't the party type which means I have no excuses to dress up. Last year I worked at the library and was SOOO excited to wear my dracula t-shirt, devil horns, and red fishnets. This year I work and Walmart and my costume will consist of a hairnet and deli apron. DANG! That's only a good costume if you don't already wear it four days a week. But if I *did* have an excuse, what would I be? These are my ideal choices:
Sexy witch (old standard)
Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas - pretty freaky but fun!
A genie - how can you not love it? But I did this one before, so maybe not.
Dorothy Gale - I've wanted to be her forever. It's the slippers.
Morticia Addams
Princess Leia - hee hee hee
Pirate Queen
Cowgirl - I'm digging this one.

However, since I have nowhere to go for Halloween, I'll probably just paint my nails black and orange, and sit inside wistfully wishing for some excuse to dress up. Maybe I'll have to be weird and eccentric and do it anyway!

Adventuring

Well, I've been thinking a lot about the types of movies and books I like, and despite a few sneaky sappy romance types, it seems my ideal life style would be swashbuckling, evil fighting (or maybe doing?), save-the-day type of stuff. But really, being sensible, who could live like that? I mean honestly, my friends and family are big into the show 24, and while part of me understands that obsession, the other part says, "But when do you go to the bathroom?" Still, despite all that logic, I love to imerse myself in these stories, imagining myself in the hero role. None of this waiting around to be rescued for me, thank you very much!

Life, the Universe and Everything

Well, I don't really actually have anything to say. I just feel bad for not posting anything in almost a year. How is everyone out there in the cosmos? Life treating you well? I act as though anyone is reading this (well acutally I did get a comment or two back there) and maybe no one is. But, did you ever think that we were all being watched from somewhere out there? Okay, I'm sounding a little Mulderish, but sometimes I wonder, 'What if I'm part of some huge TV show and bigger people are watching us?' So today I greet those people. All right, enough weirdness. Kirk out.