I wanted to write a really hilarious April Fool's post - one that would have you reeling in shock, and then rolling your eyes at your own gullibility in falling for it. But it turns out that, sadly, I do not have the prankster gene. Instead I have the complete opposite: what is known in scientific circles as "the sucker" gene.
For instance, when I was a young lass, my aunt and uncle kindly invited me on a trip with them to Myrtle Beach. I was thrilled because I had never been to the ocean before, and I wanted to leap through the waves like some sort of freakish dolphin-human hybrid. Then, my sisters got to me. They told me (snickering behind their hands) that it was shark season at the beach, and that if I set even one toe in the water I might as well lather myself up in ketchup and mustard and set sail in a giant hot dog bun for the sharks to gobble. Thus it was that no matter how hard my uncle tried to convince me that there were no sharks longer than 18 inches anywhere near the beach, I refused to swim in any body of water larger than the hotel pool (which, considering all the little kids peeing in it, was probably far more dangerous).
How I spent my summer vacation, by Susan.
All my life I've been easy prey for those of twisted minds who would seek out the simple and trusting for their own nefarious plans. Even when I try to be untrusting, I still inevitably give in to the evil logic used by people who are capable of pranking. If I was famous it would be me crying to my mom on the phone while Ashton Kutcher's hired hands "repossessed" my favorite guitars, instead of Justin Timberlake (incidentally, while that is the only episode of Pranked I have ever watched, it is also my favorite).
"Mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Ashton's being mean to meeeeee!"
I've pondered about this problem. How is it that in the same family there can be two such devious masterminds as my sisters, and *me*? I finally realized that it all has to do with cosmic balance. In order for the universe to properly exist without blowing up, there must be yin and yang, black and white, good and bad, pranker and prankee.
So, long story short: the reason that I didn't try and trick anyone with a brilliant April Fool's joke is that if I were to be successful, the universe itself might explode. You're all welcome.
