Helpless

Despite the fact that I've lived somewhat successfully on my own for a few years now, these last few months I've gotten quite comfortable living at home. I won't say I've been waited on hand and foot, but setting the table and doing dishes is a much easier burden than actually cooking edible meals. However, I didn't realize just how dependant I'd become on someone else's kitchen know-how until my mom abandoned us this weekend.

Before she left she stocked the fridge and freezer with all manner of digestibles; fruit, vegetables, pork chops, chicken, and tons of pre-cooked frozen junk. I scorned the idea that we would not be able to fend for ourselves, that she *needed* to buy all that stuff. After all, she was leaving behind my adult brother, my adult father, and me - the epitome of self-reliance. Oh, how my scorn was in vain! OH HOW WE NEED YOU, MOM!

All of the sudden I open the fridge and feel completely helpless when I fail to see a salad, side dish, and main course of some sort. There are no caseroles waiting for me. Who the heck knows what to do with pork chops? NOT ME. I suddenly remember that when I'm on my own I rely mainly on spaghetti, Burger King, and the Chinese Buffet.

Guys, I think it's possible that if my mom stays away for the 3 weeks she planned... we may die. It's been nice knowing you.

I hate to do it but...

Guys, I have to post about my newest foray into the fabulous films of 2009. I'm sad to say that 2009 is a terrible year for action flicks. For those of you who were gleefully anticipating another jaunt into the realms of childhood through Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, turn away now. For the rest, BE YE WARNED! This movie was like, as my brother David so aptly put it, having Michael Bay and his cronies pee on the audience for 2 hours. Sorry to be crude, but there's really no other way to put it.

The main problem here is that I brought it entirely on myself. Ebert warned me, but did I listen? Oh, my bro-ster and I sat at the dinner table trying to convince our parents to join us, laughing at the poor reviews and smugly stating that there was no way to be disappointed in a movie that you held no expectations for. THIS WAS FALSE! I did expect! I expected to have a semblance of plot, some attempt at continuity and attention to detail, and I expected not to be bored silly by lots of exploding stuff. Who would have thought that *moi* could ever be bored by explosions??! Somehow Transformers did it.

I would go into detail about the ways the movie patronized its viewers; in fact I was so bored during the two and a half hours of redikalous non-plot that I mentally wrote several posts about exactly what went wrong. But I will refrain from blabbing on about the lack of geographical accuracy (at one point a robot falls from a pyramid in Cairo to a temple in Luxor - 313 miles away), Megan Fox’s magic white pants that kept self-cleaning despite all the desert sand she rolled around in, or the way the narrative constantly jumped from point A to point Z without touching on a single point in between; that could get even lengthier and more boring that the film itself. Instead, I think I can better sum up the problem with the film in one statement: apparently Michael Bay feels that all you need for a good summer flick is Shia LaBeouf’s giant eyes and even bigger nostrils, Megan Fox’s hot body (beauty is such a trial for her), and lots of explodey stuff.

In closing I will simply save you $8.50 and summarize the movie now:

Robots fight robots, stuff explodes.

Shia LaBeouf packs for college, stuff explodes.

Bad robots travel through space to distant galaxies in mere seconds, stuff explodes.

Shia makes new friends at college, some of whom are bad robots pretending to be hot girls; stuff explodes.

Robots fight robots again, stuff explodes.

Bad robots, good robots, and humans all race to Egypt to get some random machinery that’s apparently been hidden inside the pyramids this whole time, as well as magic robot fairy dust; stuff explodes.

Stuff explodes.
Stuff explodes.
Stuff explodes.

Stuff explodes.

More stuff explodes.

The good guys win, stuff explodes.

The end.

Disney Part II

Hello my peeps. Once again I've taken a breath, held my nose, and dived into the murky shrieking eel-filled waters that are the wonderful world of Disney. It isn't pleasant, but I do it out of a sense of duty to the world. Also because I have no life.

Last time we discussed image issues; namely that Disney seeks to fill innocent child minds with the idea that mice and squirrels are our friends, rather than the disease ridden masters of destruction and gross tiny poops that they are.

That was truly and undoubtedly heinous on Disney's part, and that alone would be well worth castigating Disney forever - BUT the list of crimes goes on! This post will cover Disney's promotion of violence as a solution to problems.

You doubt me, perhaps. You say to yourself, "Surely Disney promotes only acceptance of oneself and others, love, happy bluebirds, and the ability to sing and dance intricate choreography at the drop of a hat." I laugh at your naivete, and present for your consideration one of the victims of Disney's violence - Snow White's stepmother:

In this sequence we see a harmless old woman, chased to the rocky and rainy cliffs by several small angry dwarfs. You might consider this a fair fight since they're small and she's big, but note that while the dwarfs have spent their days in the mines building up sturdy muscles, the shriveled old woman can't even run without hobbling. Consider the fear in her face as she climbs the rocks with her trembling old hands, attempts to stop her attackers with a harmless giant boulder, and then is flung to her death by a bolt of lightening. Is this really what we want to teach our children? And this scene doesn't even show the two vultures who gleefully and lazily drift down to feast upon her remains. Sick.

Here is the next batch of victims:

(Shere Khan, Maleficent, Gaston)

Please note the fear and terror present in the faces of these characters. Are we to understand that because these are "bad guys" it's okay to tie fire to their tails, stab swords through their hearts, and throw them from rooftops??! Is the idea to teach children that they can torment their tormentors back, and it's okay because they're "bad"? You should definitely tie the school bully up and pummel him senseless, because Disney says that's okay.

Lest you think that these are isolated incidents, let me remove doubt from your mind:

(Judge Frollo, Captain Hook, Sir Hiss)

And what horrendous crimes justify this torture, cruelty, and murder? Well actually, the guys in these movies are pretty bad. But that just illustrates my point further. What Disney genius decided that the proper entertainment for young children is watching evil men like Judge Frollo, from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, burn and persecute gypsies? Oh well, it's okay because in the end a gargoyle spews the FIRES OF HELL into his face, and he plummets to his death. Yeah.

Oh sure, Disney tries to pretend that it's all about feel good musical numbers, equal rights for mice, and happiness for all. But what I see when I watch these movies is a dark and frightening trend that teaches children before there can be happiness for all, there must be gruesome and terrible death for some. Shame, shame be upon Disney! Fie on you for first softening children towards disgusting rodents, and then teaching them that murder and torture are justified if your victim is really mean. *

*It should be noted that this took hours and hours to put together because it was truly and ridiculously difficult to find these images. Even though every single Disney villain that I can think of either dies a horrible death or experiences some terribly ironic punishment, pictures of this are few and far between. I sense a cover-up! The deaths that I wanted to show but couldn't find are Ursula the Sea Witch being impaled, Scar the lion being torn apart by hyenas, Edgar the butler being trapped inside a chest and shipped to Timbuktu, and Lucifer the cat plunging from Cinderella's tower.

HORRORS!

This article about a 43-foot long prehistoric snake is terrifying. Absolutely TERRIFYING.


Not because I think a giant snake is going to pop out of the sewer or drain and eat me (although that idea opens up whole new avenues of fear), but rather because it lends a hint of credibility to all those Anaconda movies.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

(Incidentally, have you ever tried saying "horrors" out loud without giggling at what it sounds like? Try it, you know you want to!)

Disney Part I

Obviously when one thinks of movies for kids, no other company can hold a candle to Disney's repository. But are these movies really suitable for young minds? REALLY? I will discuss Disney's deeper darker malice-filled nougat center in multiple parts, because as I was really pondering it (and I mean really pondering as in I have nothing better to do with my time), I realized that the rotten streak is far to wide to discuss in one post without making anyone reading it fall into a boredom-induced coma.



There are of course the tired old accusations of raunchiness that everyone else brings up, like pretty much everything in The Little Mermaid (the phallic castle, the excited priest, etc.) which are admittedly real, if not easy to see. There are also the supposed subliminal messages in The Lion King and Aladdin, but I have yet to actually hear/see those, and so I don't believe in their existence. That's how I roll - if you don't like it find some other blog.



Anyway, while these things could potentially be describe as "evil," you have to strain really really hard to find them, and five year olds aren't going to notice that stuff; so I discount this as only mildly sinister rather than flat out diabolical. No, Disney's first real crime is the image issue.
Mind you, I'm not talking about the ridiculously disproportionate princesses that will give small girls hopes and dreams of beauty that are eventually horribly crushed by biology (and too many French fries). Those girls will assume that they too will have heads bigger than their waists, feet with no visible toes, and enormous blond hair that's always in place; only to realize that being formed like that in real life would be monstrous and horribly wrong....


But again, I'm not talking about alien princesses. I'm talking about the false image Disney gives to squirrels, mice, and other small adorable woodland creatures. LIES! ALL LIES! I speak from the heart and first hand knowledge when I say that rodents are not adorable. They do not help you to do your chores, mend your clothes, take your morning bath, or foil your wicked stepmother. Instead they steal from your food storage, poop in your pots and pans, scare the bejeebus out of you late at night by scurrying across the floor, and have loud raucous parties inside your walls.


I’m not entirely sure what the plan was on Disney’s part, whether they intended to take over the world using a small but vicious army headed by none other than Mein Maus, Herr Mickey himself; or whether they just wanted to undermine the leaders of tomorrow by softening them up towards rodents and making them weak. But whatever the plan was, I hereby lay bare the lie: mice aren’t our friends! BOO ON DISNEY!