Vampires in our midst

So, I once read an article in the illustrious and hard-hitting magazine Weekly World News, where anyone who wants to know the real truth turns, that was all about how Johnny Depp is really a vampire because he has clearly not aged since he first captured our hearts in 21 Jump Street. The article featured this image, which is not at all photo-shopped, and I was immediately convinced:

What kind of monster would show up to a red carpet event with blood dripping off his fangs??


So along these lines, I've been carefully scanning Hollywood for similar vampires dwelling among us. I feel that it's imperative we recognize these menaces because, as I learned from my childhood mentor GI Joe, knowing is half the battle. Below are the vampires that I've found thus far, starting with those who have attempted to mask their immortality (unsuccessfully) with disguises like beards, graying hair, dental alterations, and craziness.

Your beard cannot hide your true nature, Clooney!


I can't tell how old he is in either picture, but his buckteeth crack me up!


You can be crazy all you want, we're on to you BAI LING!


Then there are those, even more annoying, who make no attempt at all to hide their never-ending youth; even occasionally flaunting it and mocking us with their hot bods and devlishly handsome faces.

It isn't fair when 50+ year old women are more sexy than I am. For this they deserve to be staked!






Okay, in this case he may have had some work done rather than being immortal, because I'm just not sure that chin can possibly be real.


Aw, he still has those adorable little boy eyes that made the bullies of the 80s never take him seriously.

Of course, on the other end of that spectrum are those vampires who came into the world looking 60 and went out looking 60.




So, be on the lookout folks. Be ye truly warned that Hollywood is apparently a hotbed of vampirism. Now you know, next time you're at the theater be sure to bring your garlic just in case!