Parking jerks

BYU just finished that wild and wacky time known as Education Week, where people from all over come and wander cluelessly about campus, make lots of noise, and take up all the available parking. So this past week whenever I came to use the computers at the library, parking was about as available as the Dodo bird. Yesterday, after a having a particularly bad morning, I came to relax and veg, but parking was really *really* bad! After circling and circling like a desperate vulture, I saw what was maybe... was it really?... it looked like a spot! I drove eagerly closer only to find that some JERK had parked about 2 feet into the next spot! Now these aren't narrow, impossibly small spots. We're talking about Utah, the land of the SUV. Spots are plenty big. And at a time like this where there has never been more traffic as a result of all the circling cars, who does that??

Anyway, there was just enough room for me to still park, but I decided to angle the car so that I could get out, but the moron couldn't get in. My front left bumper was about 2 inches from his door, mwa ha ha ha! Then I searched for some non identifiable scrap of paper (there was no way I wanted him/her tracking me down!) to leave a nasty note on. I was all poised to say something clever like, "Way to really uphold the BYU standards of sharing and kindness" but I decided that was overkill. My front bumper should explain loudly enough. As I got out, I saw that someone else had not been so restrained. There was already a note stuck in the windshield wipers! But then I noticed, with worry, that the note had the handicap guy on it.

I thought, 'Uh oh, what if this guy really is handicapped, but couldn't find a spot, and so he parked real far over so as to be able to get the wheelchair out? Am *I* the jerk?' So I naturally had to pull the note out a smidge to read it. I was in luck. Instead of being some sort of explanation of a disability to walk, it was a homemade calling card regarding the jerk-cars inability to park. The card said: "Handicapped parker - learn how to park, moron!"

Ha ha ha ha ha! It was so sweet. Printed on someone's computer, and apparently carried around for the very purpose of scolding crappy parkers. I did get a little worried that the driver would think I had left the note *and* blocked the door, and might key me. I briefly considered leaving another rude note just so he/she would know that more than one person had parked there. Then I thought, to hell with it. If they key me, it's not like it'll make my car look any worse!

The only downside to this hilarious story is that I unfortunately left before the crap parker did, so they never knew about my awesome door-blocking maneuver. However, I feel that blessed note probably expressed the innermost feelings of all his/her parking neighbors that day, so life is good.

Fastest man in the world - huh, more like fastest apple thrower!

I'm not too much of a sports freak, I much prefer sleeping (hence my bio picture). So I haven't been following the Olympics these past few weeks. If anything, they annoy me late at night when I want to find ridiculous trash movies to watch, but can't because the speed walking competition is on (for reals!) or synchronized swimming chicks are flipping their fins (although I did actually watch that for a while, that takes some crazy leg muscle!). My mom is the same; we have better things to watch by golly. So I was surprised when she called me last night with some very exciting Olympics related news.

Apparently, the fastest man in the world is Tyson Gay. Sadly, he was not able to compete in the Olympics this year, despite everyone thinking he was a shoe-in for gold. Apparently he pulled a hamstring, or some such nonsense, and didn't make the cut. At any rate, there are still little blurbs about him being run during the Olympics, and Mom just happened to see one. She immediately recognized him as a resident of my hometown. Not only that, but a former student of hers. Not only that, but apparently a former mortal enemy of mine!

So this is the story straight from my mom's lips, mainly because I have no memory of this at all. One day she was called to the principle's office to find me sobbing hysterically after having been hit in the head with a rotten apple during lunch. Tenderly she hugged me and sent me home to clean up. Later that afternoon, a group of students came into her classroom laughing about the little white girl they pelted with an apple, to which my mother coldly said, "That was my daughter, gentlemen." And who was the leader of this gang? Who was the mastermind behind Applegate? None other than the fastest man in the world, Tyson Gay!

So even though I have no memory of the incident (something that I'm very curious about - why don't I remember this? I guess that apple hit harder than we thought), I felt that it was incumbent upon me to record it for posterity. Okay, really it's for bragging rights. One of the greatest athletes of this century pegged *me* with an apple, what have you got?

Gasoline induced stupidity

Okay, so I've never pretended to be good at math. I always just scratched by with the help of a tutor. But I thought I had mastered the skill of addition. Until today, that is.

Thanks to gasoline prices being SO RIDICULOUSLY HIGH, I've been coasting on fumes for as long as I could. Finally, the prices went down to $3.99 per gallon(!!omg!!). I went into the gas station to buy a coke, and saw a sign that said if I were to pay in cash, I could get the gas for 10 whole cents cheaper. WOO HOO! So I withdrew 20 bucks, paid for the whole shebang, and went out to pump.

I was standing there, feeling so smug about my awesome money saving skills, when it slowly dawned on me: $20 bought me 5 gallons of gas. At 10 cents less a gallon, I saved 50 cents. But since it cost me $1.50 to withdraw the cash in the first place, I actually LOST one whole dollar!

So there you have it. My desperation at the horrific hole gas money is leaving in my pocket cost me $1 in cash, and a fortune in personal pride. I guess it's back to paying at the pump for me!

Carwash wisdom

I saw this on a little sign outside of the carwash at a gas station, and it had to be recorded forever (or at least as long as I maintain this blog):

If you can't be kind, at least be vague.

Truly great.

Wikipedia disillusionment

So I know that wikipedia isn't like the Encyclopedia Britannica of my youth, the end all and be all of knowledge. I know that some of the information found there is questionable at best. But I still trusted it and looked to it often for answers to questions like where did vampire legends really start and what was the Vietnam War all about. All of that changed after hearing one horrific anecdotal tale told today in church.


A guy was telling some long and awful story about an elaborate prank he played. For some reason he told it as a preface to a Sunday School lesson about faith. He was a Resident Advisor for a dorm, and one of his innocent little residents, a superstitious boy from Mexico, was terrified of ghosts. So he took some sort of hunting device that plays the sounds of dying animals to lure coyotes, hid it in this kids room, and then (using a remote) activated it every night at 12:26. Naturally, the kid came to him terrified and he told the boy some story about a Mexican worker who died there and to make his story believable he posted the whole thing on wikipedia!!! So because the story was on the internet, and therefore 100% true, the kid spent every night of his dorm experience in fear. He would pray each night that the "ghost" wouldn't harm him!

Not only was the story itself horrific (how the hell did he think that would make him believable as a teacher of Christ's message???), but I've now lost all my faith in wikipedia. If that one stupid guy (well, not really stupid since that was a pretty elaborate plot he thought up) could make a believable wikipedia entry for his own amusement, how can I trust any of the other entries? For all I know they're all made up! I feel like I just found out Santa Claus isn't real. Sigh.