Important lessons

While watching movies lately (something I rarely do, being the intellectually superior girl I am), I've noticed a few trends that flow through the genre of scary movies. It seems to me that with a little more public awareness, a plethora of lives could be saved. If only someone had taught the people who so tragically and unnecessarily die in these movies a few simple survival tactics, we'd all go home after just 10 minutes and not have to sleep with the nightlight on.


So without further ado, here are the top ten tips (nice alliteration there, eh?) I've learned from watching scary movies:


10) Don't stop to look back over your shoulder. I mean, really? Does this have to be said? Are there people out there who are still dumb enough to look back? I guess there are, since people are always dying in the movies after stopping to look back. WELL DON'T! Not only will the bad guy *not* have disappeared, but looking back will inevitably cause you to trip and fall into some sort of conveniently placed (for the killer/monster, anyway) hole or broken floorboard, and then you will definitely be dead. Anyway, as ugly as these monsters usually are, it's better to avoid looking at them as much as possible. Eyes forward!

9) When you hear a scary noise, never ever get your bat or golf club or hairbrush and go investigate. You will die! The bad guy/monster is going to have a gun/chainsaw/killer claws, and your sad little bat will be useless! Don't even send your husband/roommate/non-essential-to-the-plot character to do it instead. They aren't somehow more capable of facing down the beast than you are (believe me, I'm always the one sent and I'm a wimp). All that will happen is you will have to see or hear them die, and then won't you feel bad?



8) If, for some unforseeable reason, you do have to investigate, don't go alone. Don't do it. It will always end badly. Safety in numbers! At least in a large group you have someone to trip so that the monster will go for them while you escape.



7) Talking dolls are always evil. Always. There are no exceptions - not Teddy Ruxpin, not Hannah Montana, NONE. Do not buy them, do not be alone with them at night, and don't ever give them to your children.


6) If you find that your house was built over an unconsecrated burial ground, just move. Don't warn the prospective buyers, don't bother with scientists or mediums, just get the heck out. I mean come on, do you really want the trees in your yard coming to life and trying to kill you? GET OUT!



5) If you hear a sound underneath some piece of furniture that's dark and mysterious, why the hell would you put your hand in there to investigate? At best it's a mouse (shudder), but more likely it's some sort of demon or alien and it will bite your hand off. I mean, is it worth having to learn to write left-handed just to satisfy your curiosity? Really?

4) When you've killed the monster/psycho killer, don't stop to look at the body and say, "It's finally over." It's not over. Run away, run far away. Go to your neighbor's house and call the cops, or to consecrated grounds or whatever. I mean really. If you can't bring yourself to go away, at least kick the knife/gun away from the killer's hand (if it's a monster you're SOL there) and drop a couch on them, because otherwise they will suddenly leap forward and try to get you one last time. Sometimes you're lucky and the friend you thought was dead will conveniently show up with a gun to shoot the beast, but more often than not the rest of us will be holding a memorial for you since there was no body to be buried.


3) Radio contests suck. You will never ever win a fabulous all-expense paid trip to a remote unheard of island for you and all your friends, so if you *do* win one; it's a trap. DON'T GO, for the love of goodness!


2) If you run someone or something over with your car, call 911. Don't try to dump the body in the ocean! If it doesn't come back to kill you, certainly the guys from the CSI shows are gonna link it back to you anyway. Might as well just face the consequences, and maybe that way all the people in the car won't be slaughtered one by one.



1) The final important lesson: if someone is screaming at you not to open a door or not to touch some mysterious artefact, JUST DON'T. What is with you people and curiosity? Is it worth seeing who's at the door at the expense of your life? Jeez!


So, with these important lessons in mind, we will all live longer and happier lives. Sure, maybe we'll have to be curious and never know what it was under the couch or who it was scratching at the door with their hook-hand, but all our limbs will be intact and we won't be the one who people are watching and at whom they are screaming, "YOU MORON! YOU DESERVE TO DIE!!"